December 9, 2015
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There are many great things about being a kid. However, perhaps the greatest perk of childhood is the obliviousness you can have towards the world. One of these is the myths that are forced on us and become fact to us. Parents make us believe in these fictional characters, such as Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, and the Easter Bunny, only to crush our dreams by telling us that they are not real. Here is a problem with each of these “myths.”
Santa Claus: There are many problems with ol’ Saint Nick, but perhaps the biggest one is he is the world’s biggest criminal in breaking and entering. Whether you live in Lincoln, Nebraska or Beijing, China, this jolly old fellow will slide down your chimney (whether or not you have a chimney) and break into your home. Although he does leave a plentiful amount of gifts, I believe his case wouldn’t hold much weight in a court of law. The next problem has to do with the chimney sliding. How does a 450 pound grown man slide down a chimney that is approximately three feet wide? Santa could just come through the front door, avoiding the trouble of squeezing into a tiny chimney. Thirdly, where did Santa find deer that can FLY? I can barely find a deer that can avoid the hood of my car, and Nick managed to find deer that were once fighter jet pilots in the Air Force. There are so many holes in the story of Santa Claus I cannot believe I did not figure out he was a phony sooner.
The next culprit is the infamous Tooth Fairy. Rather than a fairy, we should call this one the Tooth Burglar. This character sneaks into the rooms of kids, lifts up their pillows, and steals their teeth. I am not sure who came up with this myth, but this one is truly odd. First, what would the Fairy even do with all these teeth? Is her three-story mansion completely made of baby teeth? Or does she use these teeth for some other reason? The world may never know, just like we will never know why some teeth get five dollars, while others get just five cents. I wonder if the Fairy has some sort of conversion chart that can quickly convert the baby teeth into cold hard cash.
The final myth is one that does not get as much respect as the other two. The Easter Bunny is the least notorious of the three, but its concept is just as strange as the other two. This human sized rabbit goes to houses before Easter and hides a basket of candy for kids to find. Now whether or not this is a crime is debatable, but this rabbit steroid use is undisputable. The next time you see a 6”2, 200lb rabbit let me know; otherwise, I find this myth just as odd as the others.
Clearly, we were very naïve as kids to believe in these characters. However, there aren’t much more exciting things in life than waking up on Christmas morning or putting your newly lost tooth under your pillow. Just because these myths are very farfetched, doesn’t mean that they aren’t some of the best parts about being a kid.