Patrick Roghaar Tragedy: The Saga Continues

Sean Cunningham, Staff Writer

When we left off in the Tragedy of this poor human being, things were just getting started. Mr. Roghaar has surprisingly experienced quite a bit of wonderful luck over the past couple of weeks, but these good fortunes mask the undeniable misfortunes behind them.

Recently, Patrick has had a strong run of successes, starting a new job and purchasing a new car! Both of these developments undoubtedly reside in the “wins” column–or do they? I won’t shy away from the answer–no, no they are not. Unfortunately for Pat, his purchase has put him a whopping $5,000 in debt! For this reason, he will be stripped a substantial sum of his biweekly earnings in order to pay off his car. This debt has plummeted many potential social privileges, as he now finds great struggle to be able to both pay for the gas necessary to drive his car and the ability to do anything else requiring the use of money. If you for some reason stumble upon this tragic specimen, you will almost certainly become victim to his constant complaints about not only having to pay for gas, but for his overall life decisions.

The losses don’t stop there, as our good friend has been experiencing quite a sum of Ls in relation to his social life as of recently. The primary catalyst to these Ls is none other than his late-night curfew, an egregious 11:15. Although 11:15 is a step up from the inexcusable 10:45 curfew imposed upon him sophomore year, it nonetheless has already proved to be an Achilles heel. Last Saturday, Pat was attending a social function and just as the night was beginning, he had to bow out and head home. This disheartening example of how unfortunate Patrick’s year has been so far is very telling of not only the present, but the foreseeable future. We can only hope that as holiday season approaches, the tragic story of Patrick Roghaar will somehow brighten up!