Chicken wars: Zaxby’s vs. Chick-fil-A

Chicken wars: Zaxby's vs. Chick-fil-A

The delectable Zaxby’s chicken is certainly worth the drive.

Parker Fox, Editor-in-Chief

As any true lover of processed fried chicken with no nutritional value knows, Zaxby’s and Chick-fil-A are the best in the game.  KFC is downright inedible, as we have learned from the recent closing of its only location in the East Lake area.  The only fast food restaurant in the plaza (not including Subway), KFC somehow managed to lose money in a neighborhood laden with spoiled, well-fed children.  That being said, KFC never even competed with Chick-fil-A or Zaxby’s, just like how the Clearwater Threshers never compete with the Phillies.  The elite artery cloggers try to accomplish the same goal: relatively upscale fried chicken for a relatively high price.

                As a true chicken coinsure, I find the “who has the better sauce” question to be totally irrelevant.  You don’t put A1 on your filet mignon, do you?  To truly appreciate the tantalizing greasy taste and crunch of the calorie-contaminated breading, one must realize that these chicken strips are to be consumed in their purest form.  Allow them to pass smoothly down the esophagus, in the same way that a pelican consumes a fish.  Disregard all other menu items, atmosphere, personal issues, etc. at that exact moment and focus every fiber of your being upon the quality of the chicken, plain and simple.  All other menu items are irrelevant if we really want to get to the bottom of this. 

                “As a Chick-fil-A employee I happen to believe that we have the finest chicken on the planet,” says senior Stephen Wankat.   They are free ranged, living lives of luxury until a natural death brings their delicious flesh to the mouths of our customers.  From what I’ve heard the people at Zaxby’s abuse their chickens.  I would never support Zaxby’s because I have some kind of ethics system which I live by.”

                Stephen clearly feels strongly about the issue.  Hopefully, he can come to his senses, exit his current state of denial, and acknowledge the obvious- Zaxby’s chicken is marginally better than Chick-fil-A’s, regardless of the animal rights laws that they blatantly ignore.  So if you are a PETA member or lack taste, I would recommend lunch at Chick-fil-A.  Otherwise, common sense must prevail.  Enjoy some mouth-watering fried chicken at your nearest Zaxby’s, probably their Dale Mabry location located an inconvenient thirty minutes away from school.  You’re welcome.