Why dogs are superior to cats

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The puppy will be your loyal companion; the kitty has no qualms about clawing you.

Evan Rocha, Staff Writer

The debate has raged on for millennia: what is the superior pet? You have those who prefer cats, and you have those who rightly prefer dogs. But simply restating the obvious won’t definitively prove a point, so I’m going to provide definitive evidence as to why canines will always be better than felines.

Dogs have been domesticated for nearly 15,000 years, having been used as hunting animals by man before the creation of agriculture. Cats were domesticated 9,500 years ago, and were promptly worshipped as divine beings, perfectly summarizing the difference between dog and cat owners. A dog is a faithful companion, an animal that can keep someone company, but remains subservient. A cat is a moocher, much like a selfish child, except this child never grows up and also throws up its own hair onto your shag carpet.

Dogs can serve many purposes. They can be used for hunting, herding, drug sniffing, police work, search and rescue, tracking, therapy, and guiding for the blind, deaf, and physically disabled. One time a cat called 911 because its owner was suffering a heart attack. Not only do dogs perform a variety of vital tasks for many people, they also maintain a cheerful demeanor while doing it. Cats can be doing nothing and still be pissed.

This leads to the greatest and most blatant reason for why dogs are vastly superior to cats. Dogs are happy to be your pet. A cat will never be thankful for anything unless you’re directly incentivizing it through food or petting, though even the latter will sometimes lead to scratching anyways. There is a certain power balance that exists between a pet and the owner. A pet is exactly what the name suggests, subservient. Now, that doesn’t mean your parakeet is your slave, but it does mean that the parakeet doesn’t control you more than you it. Some cat owners are seemingly happy to be at their cat’s beck and call, which would at least be somewhat understandable if the animal in turn returned the same disposition. But cats have got to be the most aloof pets on the planet. I’ve seen turtles with more moxie than your average cat. In fact, many cats are jerks. They sleep and eat, but then scratch you and vomit on the floor. Dogs, on the other hand, are always happy and always appreciative no matter what you do.

So, in summary, cats are rude, needy, and would probably eat you if they were strong enough, while dogs are loyal and obedient. Dogs are man’s best friend, while cats are children without the payoff. Cats will always be one of the lowest tiers of pet, because even goldfish exhibit a blank stare, while cats seem to exude distaste.