Pineapple does not belong on pizza: a rebuttal

This+is+the+proper+opinion+regarding+the+vile+addition+of+pineapple+to+the+sacred+pizza.
This is the proper opinion regarding the vile addition of pineapple to the sacred pizza.

This is the proper opinion regarding the vile addition of pineapple to the sacred pizza.

This is the proper opinion regarding the vile addition of pineapple to the sacred pizza.

Stony Hooker, Staff Writer

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In the most recent edition of the Talon, one Mr. Sandy Hutchins made his claim for the sacrilegious practice of placing pineapple on pizza. While facing massive backlash during his class wide polls, Sandy doubled down on the absurdity of the fact that the non-pizza topping was okay, but that it was in fact the best of all pizza toppings. Despite the best efforts of the sane minded people of newspaper, including Mrs. Barbieri, the article made it to print and its food hating propaganda was spread across the school, diseasing the minds of the malleable youth of East Lake High School.

To set the record straight, I have taken it upon myself to write this rebuttal so that the people of The Lake are not sent down the road towards culinary catastrophe. Everyone knows that you start with putting pineapple on pizza, and then you start putting ketchup on macaroni and putting sugar in your spaghetti. I am here to save the precious palate of the people.

To begin, we must recognize that pizza is sacred, something built from years of commerce and trade. A product of the Columbian exchange, a pillar of human expansion, and testament to Italian ingenuity. Pizza must be respected as it has given us so much and asked for so little. To place horrid Hawaiian fruit on a slice would simply be direct and indiscriminate disrespect to all human history; disrespect to great men such as Columbus, Garibaldi, Esposito, and Papa John.

While pineapple can be a delicious food, its overly sweet flavor does not belong on the savory nature of a pizza slice. The salty interplay between the sauce-cheese-topping system should cause an even mix of flavors that effectively balance in your mouth and set your soul on ease. The addition of the candy we call pineapple throws this balance awry and not even the pairing with ham which Sandy mentions could bring it back.

Many culinary celebrities have weighed in on the issue. Most interestingly was Gordon Ramsey, the king of telling it how it is. With a simple tweet, he put the argument to rest. Stating “Pineapple does not go on top of pizza….”

Some people are still misguided, and while we cannot force them to not go down the path of darkness, we can try to show them the light. However, some people are too far gone and should be considered lost causes. So, as I end this article, I send my condolences to the Hutchins family for the loss of Sandy. May he rest in peace.

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