Kyle Cunningham: the ultimate tragedy

The bigger the head, the harder they fall.

Kyle+may+have+been+okay+in+his+latest+musical+performance%2C+but+he+still+smelled+like+trash%21
Kyle may have been okay in his latest musical performance, but he still smelled like trash!

Kyle may have been okay in his latest musical performance, but he still smelled like trash!

Geetha Velusamy

Geetha Velusamy

Kyle may have been okay in his latest musical performance, but he still smelled like trash!

Will Hasell, Entertainment/Editorials Editor

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The day of reckoning has finally come. The day Kyle has feared and avoided for far too long. Article after article, insult after insult. I’ve taken every piece of slander in vengeful silence. I’ve constantly turned the other cheek, but now, it’s time for me to put my stinky cheeks in Kyle’s ogre-sized face. Oops, did I say ogre-sized? I meant oversized, but I can’t help of thinking of an obese Shrek every time I even mention Kyle and his thumb-like build. I cannot lie, I have dreamt, some would even say fantasized, about one day having the sweet opportunity to do what Kyle did to me. If my plan goes correctly, this article should drag him to the depths of depression and society, a place he should be familiar with.

Let’s start with Kyle’s most obvious flaw: how he looks. One could label Kyle as thicc, but in all the worst places, like his earlobes, thumbs, and gorilla nostrils. His body is awkwardly proportioned, making his appearance… unsettling. Kyle also possesses the most obscene widow’s peak I’ve ever seen. Legend says he was born with a normal hairline; however, the intense gravitational pull from his massive nose slowly augmented his hairline into the mutated creation it is now. This is an actual evolutionary advantage for Kyle’s species because it reduces the amount of surface area on his face for zits to inhabit.

I know what you’re thinking: how could one man possibly get any worse? Well, Kyle always seems to find a way to achieve feats once thought to be impossible by man. For example, Kyle recently got waitlisted or rejected from a record high of 12 universities. Now, after spending the past four years criticizing UF and its students, UF is the only school he actually got into. Kyle has now resorted to begging me and any of his diminishing amount of “friends” to come to UF with him so he can avoid his ultimate and inevitable doom of perpetual loneliness. Although his downfall is depressing, it’s oddly satisfying seeing Kyle’s copious amounts of  arrogance be washed away. We must not pity Icarus for flying too close to the sun, for it was his own hubris that led to his demise.

As if Kyle’s physical existence wasn’t enough, he has recently begun to invade the interweb as well. The internet was such a wonderful and pure place, providing its users with only the best information and content. Now, Kyle’s vlogs have plagued the world wide web, making his presence almost unavoidable. He has taken one of the greatest creations of humanity and simply pooped on it.

Kyle had so much potential for greatness. It is a shame one man with such prospect would be doomed by their own conceit… and acne. For years, I tried. I tried to accept Kyle as a normal human being. I tried to become his friend. But it seems the more I tried, the more unbearably repulsive Kyle became. I can only hope this article will put an end to Kyle’s mayhem and make him realize how truly evil he is.

 

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