No one’s favorite things: pet edition

I would say hamsters aren’t worth the hype but there’s no hype to begin with.

I would say hamsters aren’t worth the hype but there’s no hype to begin with.

Claire Maloney, Web Editor

I have returned from my slumber to settle the debate no one cared for or needed: are hamsters the most aggressively mediocre pets out there? There are pets worse and there are pets far better; they’re annoying and loud but they’re also cute and soft. One thing is true: they’re no one’s favorite pet. I mean, come on, how can you adore a very soft rat? Hamsters are cool and all but name one person who wants a hamster that is over the age of 12. Sorry, hamsters, but you’re no one’s favorite pet and that’s a fact you’re going to have to learn to accept.

Let’s get one thing straight. Hamsters are annoying and that is just a fact. Why are they constantly running around on those wheel thingys? What are they running from, what secrets are those rodents hiding? And someone please explain why not one single pet store across the entire world has a hamster wheel that isn’t incredibly squeaky. It’s like Petco wants us to hate our pets. First, hamsters have the audacity to run right when I want to go to bed and now the wheel has to be squeakier than a pubescent boys voice? No thank you. Let’s move on to fact two: they’re cute and you can’t deny that. As obnoxious as hamsters are they are, also adorable. They’re so small and soft you can’t help but love them.

Hamsters have their qualities but we all know that there isn’t a single person among the human population that would ever say a hamster is their favorite pet. In the wise words of Brock Maloy, a fellow staff writer, “Gerbils are better.” It is a popular consensus that hamsters are mediocre pets. If you’re ever planning on getting your kid, or future kid, a hamster, please for the love of God don’t let them name it. How many hamsters named Hammy are there going to be before I have to riot?