No one’s favorite things: color edition

A 300-word story about why green is mediocre.

For the thousandth time, I don’t want to join your frat and I don’t have the number of a trusted medical professional.

For the thousandth time, I don’t want to join your frat and I don’t have the number of a trusted medical professional.

Claire Maloney, Web Editor

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It may be hard to say which color of the rainbow is the most mediocre, but green puts up a jolly good fight. It is one of the most okay colors out there. I mean sure it looks good on its own, but there are a lot of very questionable shades of green out there. Have you seen lime green? Green needs to get with the times. This isn’t 2011 and we don’t shop at Justice anymore; been there done that. Don’t even get me started about olive green, an atrocity to say the least. Green is popular during Christmas time because it’s all snazzy and * f e s t i v e * but aside from December, when is it legally okay to wear green? You do have St. Patrick’ Day, but that’s only one other day in the year. Green doesn’t look good with anything. Furthermore, why does green have to be so pretentious? I’m sorry I don’t wear green polos every day, but I have some self-respect and don’t identify as a chad. Green is just such an unexceptional color.

 

I’m no business mogul, but why do companies still make green clothes? You can’t wear anything with green, as no colors complement or match it. Technically, its complementary color is red, but, like stated before, we can’t celebrate Christmas year-round even though that does sound nice, and you can’t be as drunk as you are on St. Patty’s day more than one day a year or else your liver will fail, unless you’re a tiny tot like me and can’t drink ever but at that point you must ask yourself, at what cost? Do you even want to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day twice? It’s a mediocre holiday regardless of age. Green is a solid color for like 30 days but outside of that window its nothing but a soulless lump sitting on a rainbow. I don’t know how green does it but somehow the poor fellow seems sad while being on a rainbow. Green may not be the best, but at least it isn’t orange, which is easily the worst color to ever be created in the entire history of the planet; it doesn’t even matter what shade. So, by default, green isn’t the worst color. Somehow this dull tint manages to be sad, pretentious, boring, and annoying at the same time. All the worst foods are green, too: broccoli, kale, Brussel sprouts, avocado. Coincidence? I think not. This colorless color needs to stay away from me and my family because I don’t want to join his fraternity and I’m not interested in group therapy either.

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