An Unexpected Love Affair


Alex Plaskon, News Editor

My dearest Jelly Beans, Ice Cream, and Cool Ranch Doritos.

I’m very sorry for what I must tell you now. I have been cheating on you with my new favorite, healthy snack; but before I tell you about my new lover, I owe you my sincerest apology and explanation for my lowly actions.

            When I was with you all, in our polyamorus snacking relationship, I’ll admit that I was happy. You all gave me joy and comfort after a long day at school or a stressful night of work. Cool Ranch Doritos, you used to light up my world (and my stomach). However, you sometimes excited my stomach so much you would give me a belly ache, which caused distress in our relationship. Phish Food Ice Cream, your luscious ripples of caramel and marshmallow, along with you dark chocolate “fish” gave me love on my worst days. Unfortunately, my toxic love for you cost me *five whole dollars* every time I wanted to see you. You were simply too expensive for my taste. At last, my dearest Sour Jelly Belly Jelly Beans. You truly are the one I will miss the most. Your sour-sweet taste made my taste buds dance. Sadly, I think we got a little too close; you’re so clingy you won’t let go (of my teeth). Your loss will be a cavity on my heart, but thankfully not my teeth. It is for those reasons that I’ve had an affair with another snack and must inform you all of our relationship.

            When I first saw him on the shelves of the dairy isle, I just knew we had to be together. His name is Chobani Flip, and he has forever changed my snacking life. We were drawn together immediately; I was first attracted to his sleek, yet playful and exciting packaging. On the front were examples of many desserts. At this moment, I thought our love would never be true. This was until I looked at the ingredients and the dreaded calories. Surely anything sweet had to be 500 calories. But I was wrong. My newly beloved Chobani Flip yogurt is packed with healthy protein. He’s made with all natural ingredients (unlike everyone’s artificial colorings and flavors). Not only that, he’s only 180 calories! Because of that, our relationship feels more real that our previous, polyamorous snacking scandal. When I take his sweet Key Lime Crumble bits of graham cracker and mini white chocolate chips and flip them into his key lime flavored yogurt, I’m still satisfied by his sweetness, but in a healthy way. To put it bluntly, I feel happier and healthier now than I ever did before (and I didn’t have to give up my sweet tooth to do it).

            I’m sorry our relationship is over, my former sweethearts. However, it is time I move on to my new healthy life. I hate to say that I am happier and healthier than I used to be with you, but it’s true.

            Your former lover,