The struggle to write a unique web story about quarantine

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Mere mortals cannot possibly understand what I would have to say.

Sean Cunningham, Features Editor

To all who may be reading this article, I must say that these are interesting times. With each passing day, it seems that the growing Coronavirus pandemic consumes just a bit more of our minds, souls, and news station headlines than the last. At this point, any capable journalist would be aching to get in on the action, but I myself have come across a peculiar issue when attempting to find an angle. My problem is a simple one: how in the world am I supposed to find a single unique idea to cover regarding this whole quarantine situation?

Don’t get me wrong, I am glad that fellow journalists of the world are uncovering the multitude of ways to report on all that is going on. However, it is no surprise that in these tough times, there will be heroic figures among us that will rise into great prosperity within the public eye, all due to their noble efforts informing the people. And I find myself, an upcoming god-like figure within new age journalism, quite deserving of the lot of this prosperity. My obviously top tier and extremely serious articles, such as the immaculate “favorite shape’ and “favorite color” classics, would be praised by the gods themselves; that is, if the gods were able to understand the true depth of my work. Unfortunately, there is not another sentient being present in this universe who could possibly fathom the immense depth and nuance behind each word etched into the souls of my stories, so I would have to applaud anyone who could possibly read this far into an article such as this one.

Alas, despite possessing this otherworldly talent and gift, I am simply unable to conjure up a single unique angle to strike upon with all of my journalistic genius. There is nothing more to be said; nothing more than the silent despair of an honest Talon staff writer.