Jolly rancher tier list

Ending the debate once and for all

The Jolly Rancher company was founded in 1949, and is aptly named after the hospitality of the midwest

The Jolly Rancher company was founded in 1949, and is aptly named after the hospitality of the midwest

Brendan Wells, Web Editor

Ah yes, another week, another gripping article from yours truly. I’ve found myself flowing with ideas as of late, and my urge to write on the most controversial of subjects has over taken me. So in turn, here we are. Jolly Ranchers are among the most heavily debated of all the candies, as the average candy connoisseur has an incredibly strong opinion on each of the 5 traditional flavors of jolly rancher- grape, watermelon, blue raspberry, cherry, and green apple. Today, I’ll be providing some of my hottest of takes for you, so I strongly suggest caution as you continue into what I consider to be my most contentious work yet.

 

  1. Cherry- Absolute dead last. The disappointment that comes with eating a cherry Jolly Rancher is only comparable to the type of disappointment that comes with getting fired/ getting evicted/ going to get cereal in the morning and some bozo in your family put the box back even though it’s empty; it’s just horrible. Given the choice, this is literally nobody’s favorite, and if you know somebody who genuinely enjoys the flavor I refer to as “Jolly Rancher more like jolly rancid,” please point them in my direction for a more than stern talking to. 1/10

 

 

  1. Grape- Now that we’ve moved past the horror of the cherry Jolly Rancher, we can focus on the actual edible flavors starting with grape. I would say grape is an interesting flavor, but the most interesting this about it is how uninteresting it is. I’ve come to the conclusion that the grape Jolly Rancher flavor can only be described as thing… mid. It’s not bad per say, but it’s also not good at all, placing it in the rare neutral ground that very candy flavors lie in. Think of grape as the purgatory (like this isn’t great but it could be worse) of all Jolly Rancher flavors. Think of grape as the “oh well” of Jolly Rancher flavors. Think of grape as the Walmart of Jolly Rancher flavors. 5/10

 

  1. Green apple- buckle up ladies and gents because we’re finally hitting what I would consider to be “gas.” Green apple is the first truly acceptable Jolly Rancher flavor, as the sweet notes of guess what….Green and apple… combine to make a beautiful experience for all 10,000 of your tastebuds. While it’s not my favorite, green apple is of the highest quality, and I’d say acts as the barrier between good Jolly Ranchers and bad ones. 8/10

 

  1. Watermelon- Now we’ve arrived. My last two selections can be considered as 1A and 1B, with watermelon securing its spot solidly in second place. The watermelon Jolly Rancher has a funny way of transporting me to a far-off land; it’s as if I’m floating in the waters of the Maldives, but as soon as I submerge myself and open my mouth expecting the salty and harsh taste of the ocean water, I’m instead flooded with light, sweet flavors of watermelon. The watermelon Jolly Rancher flavor is like a one-way trip to the tropics, and what I call “the summer Jolly Rancher” sits firmly in second place. 9.5/10

 

  1. Blue raspberry- Is this really any surprise? While blue raspberry is near to or at the top of most everybody’s Jolly Rancher tier list, the blue razz has a special place in my heart. While I love blue raspberry flavored anything, the Jolly Rancher ideation is something special, almost indescribable. I’m overall a fan of Jolly Ranchers in general, but my feelings towards the blue raspberry flavor are immeasurable, to the point that it can only be boiled down to one four letter word: love. Blue raspberry is bold yet subtle, loud yet quiet, and stunning yet humble. The world never has and never will see tantalizing treat quite like the blue raspberry Jolly Rancher, and I for one believe we must cherish it while it’s here. 11/10