Benjamin

Many have seen his idyllic face slithering through the halls of East Lake, but few know the true... Benny.

Kyle Cunningham, Staff Writer

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He is unique. I have never met any man quite like him. He looks like what would happen if you took a chubby middle schooler and stretched him out. Yet, though having the physique of a stereotypical socialist, senior Benjamin Glezer harbors extremely conservative views. He is in favor of supply side economics, a staunch defender of the Trump administration, and loves Kid Rock. Not to fear, though, for Benny is more than just politics! He is on the tennis team, and shines in stark contrast to the eye-sore Will Hasell. He is, as described by John Loftus (a calculus teacher and a reality TV fan), an “academic animal.” Benny is about the smartest person in the 12th grade; the only reason he has not annihilated the entire class and assumed the position of valedictorian is that he is from the great state of Wisconsin and spent his first two years of high school up there. Cheesehead!

Anyhow, Benny (Benjamin, as I like to call him) deserves this article for more than just his prowess as a student or his talent as an “athlete”–is tennis a sport? The world may never know. Benny needs the article for PUBLICITY. He has a good reviewing channel on YouTube that has attracted a fair amount of support; however, he is hungrier than ever for more attention. The channel is titled “TheReportoftheWeek,” and it is Benny’s most prized possession. He puts on formal attire and a New England dialect and traverses the county for fast food, drinks, pizza, and more! As a good connoisseur myself, it is humbling to see others find a similar passion. And that is, truly, the point of this article. I implore all of you reading this (probably just the Hasells, but still) to follow your dreams like old Benson did. Anybody can live a life of happiness if they just try, and folks, Benjamin Glezer tries really darn hard. Thank you.

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