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A satirical guide for ‘23

pictured above is your ideal water bottle, a Hydroflask

pictured above is your ideal water bottle, a Hydroflask

Claire Maloney, Web Editor

This is a handbook for the class of 2023, and the class of 2023 alone. So, grab your Hydroflasks and get ready for a whirlwind of a year. The only essentials that you’ll need are your scrunchies, your water bottle with stickers, obviously, and you can’t forget to get a VSCO account by the start of school. In this guide, you will be taught how to look, act, and feel, like a VSCO girl. Hint: it’s the exact opposite of whoever you are right now. You may be treated like fools for being class of 2023; however, by the end of this guide you will be the coolest VSCO girl to roam the halls of East Lake and really show the jealous upperclassmen who’s boss.


Step 1: Look the part

Obviously, the simplest step. The only acceptable outfit is an oversized T-shirt and running shorts. The rest comes down to your accessories. You need thousands of scrunchies and poorly made friendship bracelets on your wrist, free stickers from websites that you email on your water bottle, and of course, Crocs with the coolest Jibbitz you ever did see.


Step 2: Act the part

In order to act like the VSCO girl you are, you have to pretend to care about causes you know nothing about. For example, get out a metal straw to act like you’re cutting out plastic and proceed to stick it in your plastic Starbucks cup which undoubtedly has an iced coffee waiting for you to drink. Next you must act as though your presence is important. Block the halls at all cost since you are the only important person walking, blurt “AND I OOP” after everything you say, and of course, become TikTok famous.


Now that you’re looking like and feeling like VSCO girl, you are ready for the start of a new school year. High school is exciting but it’s important to stay updated on all the latest trends. To gain mastery of the ninth grade, you must also feel like a VSCO girl, the only issue is that you must discover your inner VSCO girl deep inside your subconscious. Learn who you are and if it’s not a VSCO girl, completely change yourself to fit the status quo. Now that we have crafted the perfect back to school personality, all that’s left is throwing your grades out the window to become a nicotine addict. *



*Sike, nicotine is incredibly addictive and very bad for your health, not to mention illegal. Don’t try it, not even if Stephanie says it’s cool because it isn’t